That’s how my 2012 has started off.  MY year.  MY adventure to conquer.  MY dream come true…

I won’t bore you with the details, nor give you the pleasure of future ammunition.  But, I will admit that it has sucked.  It’s been rough.  It’s pretty close to being the worst ever.

But it could be worse.  I could have lost my mother today.  I could be facing losing my father.  I could be watching a daughter, vibrant with life today, but not enjoy it as much as I should because I have the constant and painful worry that her Cancer could return and take all that happiness away. Or I could have just lost a child, and be left to ask why.

So, hats off to the bull.  Or in my case, bulls.  Bring on the struggles.  I’m geared up for the pain.   Just don’t think you’re going to get me to stop wearing red. Because if there’s anything to be learned by the reality of life, it’s that you have to live it, before it’s gone.  

The woman dying from Cancer didn’t stop fighting to watch her sons grow up.  The father with a new Cancer diagnosis didn’t waiver in his faith.  The mother whose daughter is in remission denies admission to worry and enjoys the moment. The mother still allows her heart to have love, and loves with all her heart.  

“To be monumental

Could mean the beyond

The simpler the treasure

Means the higher the cost

Well as for the ending,

damn right I’m learning”

-Chevelle

 

 

But here I stand. Not so twisted as one would think.  And I can honestly say I have felt ALL those emotions at one time… in the past day…and am the MOST stable I’ve been in years.  LOL!

The thing is, I know that EVERY single mother reading this right now, can agree that they’ve felt these same caliber of emotions all at once, at some point during their motherhood.  Maybe even, as it is for me, many times.

Is THIS what separates us from our species counterparts?  You should have seen the looks of fear and pure confusion that I have experienced!  (Maybe you’ve experienced the same?) You’d think I had one eye and a horn… or maybe that I spit fire …

But I don’t.  I’m not as big of a monster as I seem to portray. I’m human.  I’m female, yes, but I’m still human.

And as much as those judgmental counterparts don’t want to admit it, they are human too.  They feel the same things, they just chose to ignore them, whereas, women understand the importance of each one.

Heartache makes happiness that much sweeter.  Pain means we’re still alive.  Joy means we’re doing something right.  Regret reminds us to always strive for more.  Grief humbles us and provides a good cry.  Excitement motivates a tired soul.  Passion releases pressures of the heart.  Pride connects the mind and the heart with the soul.

Essential.  Regardless of how crazy we may feel.  These feelings are essential.  Not just to being a Mom, but to being a human being.

You call me crazy.  I call me… real…

This will be my first ‘blog series’.  I’m hoping they will encourage me to write more.  Writing has become my therapy and I need it more now than ever! I’m going to write letters to those important people in my life.  My goal is to start a new letter each week AND write a little more in at least one previous letter each week as well…. I will probably end up with a huge amount of restrictions and rules for myself, as I always seem to do… but for now, it will be as simple and chaotic as that.

Dear Future Daughter(s)  in Law,                                                                                  October 19, 2011

Let me begin by telling you that I’ve dropped the ball as your mother in law.  I’m not sure if it’s true that good things get lost in the generation gaps, or whether they just change… adapt.  But either way I thought I’d share the things I am worried you will never experience.  I want to point out that I’m more or less committing to contradicting this post in it’s entirety, because I am a randomly obsessive perfectionist.  Which is probably important for me to throw out there because I drive Mark CRAZY with that, so I’m sure I’ll drive (enter the kid that made you my kid) nuts with it as well.  I’m sorry, in advance, for your therapy bill.  (Make them write… it’s a guaranteed morale booster in this house).

Anyway.  This week, I got a box from Mark’s mom and sisters.  They had asked my size and said they found some cute shirts.  I expected a box similar to my own mother’s care-packages.  A few things for everybody, possibly a few extra for the baby or J since it was his birthday month.  But instead, I found an entire box devoted just to me.  As each kid rummaged through to see what they got and came up empty-handed, I got increasingly more emotional.

The box not only consisted of the smaller shirts that they had gotten before asking my size, but a few that we obviously added after I joked that the smaller shirts will become my “goal” shirts for losing the baby weight.   Also included was my favorite perfume.  I want to say I mentioned to Brie (my “sister-in-law” technically, but ‘sister’ in reality)  in passing;  but never even had around the house to help make the scent jog her memory.   Reese’s, which, due to my large mouth is not a secret favorite, lol!  And a few other odds and ends… all things I either needed desperately, or love and can’t bring myself to buy for myself.

Then it hit me. This was a “from one mother to another” type of box.  There’s no way that Brie and Katy were alone in the content picking.  This had a mother’s touch.  A true, ‘I’ve been there” type of box.  The kind of box that makes you cry passionate, emotional tears of remembrance every time you think about it… type of box.

This box was sent by another stay at home mother of multiple children on a shoe-string budget.  And it was sent with love.  With gratitude.  From the moment you lifted the box flaps, it oozed warmth and happiness.  The evidence that time and effort had been placed into it was abundant and tearjerking. I

What does this have to do with what you will be missing out on?  I fear I will never have the ability to make the time to get to know my family the way Mark’s family has gotten to know me and mine has Mark.  I, by admission, have to be busy.  It pains me to stand still and frustrates me to slow.   The pace I keep has many casualties.   Casualties I never even thought of before, but should have because they’re simple to identify.

So, in lieu of a personalized box of warm, fuzzy, heavenly yumminess; I give you wisdom instead.  Take time.  Observe.  Miss out on a few things in life and you’ll realize the real thing you’ve been missing out on was your own.

Fully alive
More than most
Ready to smile and love life
Fully alive and she knows
How to believe in futures

-Flyleaf

Fully Alive.

I’m beginning to see the circle of my life forming before my eyes.     I’ve re-formed  a bond that I feared I would never reform.  Going from the broken girl who needed advice to the sister teaching the stories of her scars  has been rewarding and beautiful.  The greatest gift God gave me was faith and what many thought to be a crazy desire to dream, but actually turned out to be the key to my happy ending.

More than most ready to smile and love life.

I’ve gained more wisdom from lessons of the maternal nature than I realized.  Only after stumbling do you realize where to gather your footing.  I may have stumbled for longer than I liked in some instances and will continue to stumble in others; but this realization of success is worth the occasional case of clutziness.  And to reflect on my accomplishments through sisterly advice only makes success that much sweeter.  If you ever truly want to learn how to love life, try to teach someone else how to.  The smiles come more and the bad things sting a bit less.

Fully alive and she knows, how to believe in futures.

]]> http://therockstarmomway.wordpress.com/2011/05/24/fully-alive/feed/ 0 Lish http://therockstarmomway.wordpress.com/2011/05/24/blog-construction-to-commence/ http://therockstarmomway.wordpress.com/2011/05/24/blog-construction-to-commence/#comments Tue, 24 May 2011 23:11:34 +0000 Alisha DeCou http://therockstarmomway.com/?p=942 Continue reading →]]> Given that summer is upon us and not only will my responsibilities lighten a bit with school being out for the kids, but my limitations will increase as my uterus does in size… so I’ve decided to revamp the blog.  It requires time and very little phsical effort… so it works for me. LOL!

My original concept of this blog was a place for Mamas like me to share their thoughts, ideas and frustrations.  I don’t always “follow the grain” and do things the way others do. But I still do the same things.  My kids eat, drink, learn, play, act out, get upset, get confused, get hurt and occasionally even surprise me (that was sarcasm… they never STOP surprising me)!

Doing things “different” isn’t wrong.  It’s just that; different.  What works for Sally’s kids may not work for Sue’s.  And that’s how I got where I am.  From breastfeeding to bedtime, the advice I got from other mothers didn’t always seem to fit… so I set out to help find that advice that fits.

So stay tuned… I’m hoping to add a lot more content on mutiple age groups since I will shortly be the “Queen of Age Groups” with a newborn, toddler, preschooler, school-age and pre-teen… {wipes brow}  as well as unorthadox and often more orthadox than some think, ways that I accomplish daily Mothering shit…

Oh and for an easier way to know when the blog updates, join our Facebook page:
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Between toddler/preschool story times and pre-teen (yes, the boys have hit that mark in my book, unfortunately) jam sessions, there’s hardly time to breathe… or say, prepare for a new baby!

But that’s what I’m doing.  Slowly but surely, getting geared up and ready for our world to expand, yet again.  This is my favorite time of pregnancy, when things along the lines of pukey breakfasts and nausea filled nights become things of the past and things like baby clothes and fluttering kicks fill my day.

This go round we’re finally having a home birth.  I’m stoked to finally get to do the birthing experience MY way with a rocking midwife, whirlpool and rockstar husband.

I’m also determined to use this blog for what it was intended… showing the world the ‘rockstar mom way’ of doing things.  That includes what I do, how I do it and when I chose to do it… which doesn’t always fit into other people’s ideals…

So, sit back… relax and get ready for a full summer of “Rockstar Mom” goodness…

And  steadily, as the days pass into weeks and into months, the sickening stench of this valley gets more and more tolerable. Blame it on the neutralizing scent of honesty or the beautiful aroma of genuine laughs of childhood happiness.  Or it could possibly be the reassuring odor of a new life in the process of creation.  Likely, it’s the combination.

The communicative absence of the past few months has brought with it a renewed sense of understanding and excitement.  A new edition is making its way into our lives in August and the weeks, usually painfully counted down day by day, are just flying by!  A change of venue ignited a flame under the fire of lover’s friendship and a warmed parts of the heart that had grown cold.  But, by far the greatest advantage of the past few months has been the growth of family’s love.

So even though my headaches have increased and my anxiety; under cared for already, has doubled, I feel a sense of trust.  Trust that we can pull through.  Trust in second chances.  Trust in new beginnings.  Trust in love.

Trust in the pure chaos that is life.

Here’s the thing.  When I became am Mom, I wasn’t ready. I’m first to admit it. I was 17 and had no clue.  But I knew it was what I wanted, just didn’t know how to do it.  But now, 4 kids later… I got this.  And it’s all I really want.  I LOVE teaching. I LOVE kids, but what I REALLY love is teaching MY kids.  Getting straight A’s and being part of the Honors program was an experience that I will treasure for the rest of my life, but it really wasn’t what I wanted.  I wanted to be home with my babies.  Mark wanted me to be home with my babies and my babies wanted me to be home with my babies!

So that’s what I’m doing.  I’ll finish school when I’m ready.  But for right now, I belong here, teaching my kids at home, where they can learn more and experience life as I always wanted them too.. hands on.  It’s one thing to learn about the weather and a whole other thing to be submerged in a thunder storm and experience it first hand, ya know.

Ryan is finishing his 3rd grade work so he can be bumped up to 4th and J is finishing his 5th grade work.  I’ve got a WONDERFUL curriculum and we’re having a blast!

Harmony’s pregnant and miserable, but it’s kind of cute to see it on the other side. I’ve always been the pregnant and miserable one, so it’s kind of cool.  She’s going to be such a great Mom though.  Amber came to visit and Harmony spent the whole time with Richard (Amber’s son) who was not feeling good at all. She did AWESOME though!  He really liked her too!  I’m so proud of my baby sisters and all they’ve become.  Melodie’s little girl is talking and just adorable! I can’t wait until I get to hold Emily and she gets to meet her cousins soon!

My dreams are coming true right before my eyes.  My family is whole again. My Dad and Bobbie are in California.  My kids are home with me and Mark’s writing again.  This is really the life.

Dreams are made of these.

<3

The past few weeks have been beautifully chaotic.  We have struggled with loss, stress and anxiety; but have also learned to be blessed by great friends, true love and family.

I’m extremely exhausted right now, so I’m going to leave it with these visual representations to keep you company until I can buy more media space and upload the photos from my newest makeup tutorials And a plea for prayers for the upcoming week, which, although always hard on us, will be doubly hard this week while dealing with the loss of my Grandmother as well as the 9th anniversary of Mark’s father passing.  Your prayers/ positive energies are greatly appreciated!